Death is like a traveling salesman; You know he’s in the neighborhood but you never expect him to knock at your door. When the bell rings and his long shadow appears, cast against your window-sill, time draws in slow motion: a vacuum pulls the air from your lungs, your heart takes leave of it’s tempo, and you long to wake up – but cannot.
I suppose most of my life has been spent in ease and comfort, although, I have had my share of trouble in this world, there are some things that you never expect to come round – not really. You know they’re there, but you don’t expect them to happen today or tomorrow……like the prospect of death.
I always wanted to be a cowgirl. I use to go to school in my little red satin hoop skirt with white tassels, matching cowgirl shirt with fringe, and fancy pair of western boots. I wanted to wear it everyday but my mother refused. I did enjoy dressing up in costumes and pretending to be someone else when I was little. I suppose I should have tried out for the theater in High School but I was usually too sickly and too shy. As a matter of fact, I had a weak constitution as a kid and I spent a lot of time alone. My parents, on the other hand, where always healthy and strong. They so rarely even got a cold. So later in life, when my Mom was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer, it was quite the shock.
Surprisingly, my faith in Jesus held like a sturdy anchor the day I was told of my mothers cancer. It was if, God himself, was holding me together that day; Words eloquently fell from my lips, words of encouragement, strength and trust. I had no idea that kind of strength lived in me, and I believe my parents were surprised also. However, days would soon follow that would put my faith to the test.
Enter: Fear. As I began to do research and pour over testimonies, treatment protocols, chemotherapy side effects and the prospect of long hospital stays in isolation, reality began to take hold of me. I wanted to wake up from what seemed like a nightmare, a dark whirlwind closing in on me and my family. It was then when I felt The Lord urging me to “let go”, to give over into his hands all my burdens and sorrows and to Trust Him.
I suppose in every trial we face there is an opportunity to grow. The most difficult thing for me is letting go of “control”. Not that I’ve ever– really– been in control – but I think I have. Sometimes I ponder the life of Job, the loss of his family and health, and his incredible response: “”Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised,” Job 1:21.
God is sovereign and most definitely in control, even when I feel like my world is spinning out and I’m hydroplaning across the highway of uncertainty — He’s there. When winter comes — He’s There. Summer, spring and fall — He’s there in all the seasons of our lives. Perhaps this is the test for all of us in times of great trial and suffering: Will we Trust God?